Here are some key points I believe are important when considering couple's therapy:

The major aim of couple's therapy is to increase your knowledge about yourself, your partner and the patterns of interaction between you.   The key tasks of couple’s therapy are to increase your clarity about:· The kind of life you want together· The kind of partner you want to be in order to create the life you want together· Your individual blocks to creating that life· The skills necessary to achieve the above tasks 

Tradeoffs and Tough Choices: To create sustained improvement in your relationship, you need:· A vision of the life you want to build  together· The appropriate attitudes and skills to work as a team· A life separate from your partner because you are not joined at the hip· The motivation to persist· Time to review progress There are always tradeoffs in getting what you want.  There will be some tough choices as well.  The first tradeoff is time—time to be together, to play, to nurture each other, to relax, to hang out, to plan, family time, etc.  This time will encroach on other areas of your life—professional time and personal time.   Another compromise is daring to risk stepping outside of your comfort zone.  Sometimes going out on a limb to try new things; listening and being curious instead of butting in, speaking up instead of being resentfully compliant or withdrawing; risking your partner’s anger.  In the beginning there is emotional risk-taking in being confronted and being confrontational.  You will be expending energy to work on your relationship.  Staying conscious of making a difference over  time—remembering to be respectful, more giving, more appreciative, etc—all takes effort and thus energy.   The more difficult effort is improving your reaction to problems.  For example, if you are hypersensitive to criticism it will take an effort to become less sensitive instead of becoming defensive.    

Focus on Changing Yourself, Not Your Partner · Couple's therapy works best if you have more goals for yourself than you have for your partner. I work best as a therapist when I help you reach the objectives you set for yourself, not ones I would set for you.· Let go of expectations.  It is human nature to try to change one’s partner instead of adjusting our expectations.  · You can’t change your partner.  Your partner can’t change you.  You influence each other, but that doesn’t mean you change each other.  The best way to effect change in the relationship is to focus on changing yourself.· Finger-pointing and holding onto past hurts will not be productive.  Focus on becoming how you aspire to become.· Face your fear and do it anyway.    Some Contradictions (or the Zen of Therapy) · It is okay to argue.  All growth comes from conflict.  Accepting that conflict produces growth and learning to manage the inevitable disagreements is the key to a better relationship· It’s not what you say, it’s what they hear   

The Importance of Communication · The three most important qualities for effective communication are respect, openness and persistence· A couple’s vision emerges from a process of reflection and inquiry.  It requires both people to speak from the heart.· We are all responsible for ourselves, no matter how others treat us

 Effective Communication Means You Need to Pay Attention to: · Managing unruly emotions, such as anger that is too intense· How you are communicating:  whining, blaming, vague, defensive, etc.· What you want from your partner during the discussion· What the problem symbolizes to you· The outcome you want from the discussion· Your partner’s major concerns· How you can help your partner become more responsive to you· The beliefs and attitudes you have about the problemGood communication is hard!